The Gifts of Imperfection - A Reader's Response

I recently finished BrenĂ© Brown's book, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are.  I was drawn to the book because of these two Ted Talks. Go ahead and watch them.  I'll wait.

I've watched those two videos multiple times. I find Brene a charming and authentic storyteller.  As her talk moves from the academic to the personal, as she lets the audience into the vulnerable areas of her life, I am amazed at her courage.  I don't think I could stand in front of an auditorium full of strangers and admit I had a breakdown spiritual awakening.  Fear of being judged, of being vulnerable to attack, would prevent me from admitting such a personal weakness.  Yet, Brene does so with humor and grace. She appears powerful, not weak.  Her time on stage is riveting because her revelation brings with it keen insights into the human condition.

Her talks left me wanting to know more about the power of vulnerability, fear, shame, and guilt.  The reason isn't hard to figure out: I am human and I suffer from all these afflictions.  I fear vulnerability.  I feel guilt.  I struggle with shame.  Finding ways to recognize these patterns of behavior or emotional responses seemed to offer some hope of gaining control over them.  At least, that's what I hoped Brene's book would say.  And it did.  It also told me the dragons of fear, shame, and guilt  are immortal and cannot be slain, only bannished to the borderlands.  Again and again.  After all, if a vulnerability expert with years of research in her toolkit was still vulnerable to their attacks, how could I or anyone else expect to be otherwise?  

As I read the book, I liberally highlighted passages that resonated with me. I found myself - and so many others that I recognized - lurking in those pages.  There were moments when I wanted to pick up the phone and read a passage to my cousin, to my sister, to my husband.  I wanted to share my Kindle highlights - I still do - but Amazon hasn't quite gotten that feature rolled out yet, so I'm left with this blog post and the quotes that have been added to Goodreads.  

One of the sections of the book that really struck me has a lot to do with this quote: 

“We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.” 

I like to think I'm a fairly positive and upbeat person, but I have dark moments, too.  I struggle with anger and hurt and pain. I am sometimes easily frustrated and quick to anger.  I rage.  I curse and cuss, I think bad thoughts, and indulge in unkind thoughts.  My heart has been broken and walls have been erected to help numb the pain. 

It's a normal reaction, this tendency to numb.  Yet, it can be detrimental.  Here's a longer passage from the book that addresses this very thing. 

For many of us, our first response to vulnerability and pain of these sharp points is not to lean into the discomfort and feel our way through but rather to make it go away. We do that by numbing and taking the edge off the pain with whatever provides the quickest relief. We can anesthetize with a whole bunch of stuff, including alcohol, drugs, food, sex, relationships, money, work, caretaking, gambling, staying busy, affairs, chaos, shopping, planning, perfectionism, constant change, and the Internet.

That list of numbing agents got me thinking.  I will admit that I sometimes use alcohol as a means of "taking off the edge".  If I've had a rough day at work, I look forward to putting my feet up and sipping on a glass or two of wine.  What do I do, though, if I'm still at work when the need to take the edge off appears?  I eat.  I seek out caffeine. I check Facebook or search Amazon for free books that I'll likely never have the time to read. Sometimes my favorite numbing agents are books.  Sometimes, though, a book seems like too much effort and I need something even less challenging: television. 

This list of items made me think of the other people in my life.  I know a couple of people who can't stand being idle; they need to keep moving, to do something.  I know others who treat their personal discomforts with routine shopping.  I may even know a few perfectionists.  I won't presume to guess what underlying issue drives each person, but as I read through this list and saw the ways in which we numb ourselves, I wanted to show each of these people this book and tell them there is a high probability that what they assume is a simple personality trait may be a means of coping with whatever negative influence is at work in their lives. 

I guess that desire is the reason for this post.  There are a lot of interesting observations and insights in Brene's work, and I think they're worth sharing.   

Travel Bucket List

I've split this into two categories - Travel Abroad and Travel within the US. I figure the destinations in the latter category are, for the most part, doable.  The hubby and I love to travel, but our pocket book only allows us to do so much.  

Travel Abroad

1.  Egypt
This is why it's at the top of the bucket list: it's the one trip I fear I will never take.  Given the political climate there, it's a little too dangerous for my liking.  However, I am fascinated by Ancient Egypt and would love, love, love to visit some of the historical landmarks that make that country so famous.

2.  England / Scotland / Wales
I'm lumping these together because I have this idea that visiting all three would be possible if we gave ourselves enough time.  I'd want to rent a car and drive from the big cities, like London, to the more rural areas.  I'd want to see as many castles as possible and perhaps indulge in a guided tour or two. 

3.  Ireland
Again, the history nut in me would want to go in search of castles and tours. 

4. Italy - Venice
Visit what appears to be a  floating city?  Yes, please. 

5. Italy - Rome
Oh, the architecture and history!  I think I just nerd-gasmed.  

6.  Belize
Not only does this appear to be a tropical paradise, it's also home to some Mayan ruins I would love to visit. 

7.  Maldives or Bora Bora
I think it would be amazing to stay in an overwater bungalo. 

8. Aruba
I've heard the weather is amazing and the scenery stunning. 

9.  Caribbean Islands Cruise
I'd probably try to find one that includes either St. Maarten or St. Thomas, but really I'd be happy to visit almost anywhere in that general area. 

10.  Iceland
I hear they have a spectacular view of the northern lights.

Travel within the US

1.  Yellowstone National Park - Wyoming
I've always wanted to visit Yellowstone.  This last year, we made it happen.  It was a two week vacation filled with many, many hours of driving.  We drove across the country to get there.  We drove through the park.  We drove through Beartooth Pass into Montana.  We drove down to South Dakota to visit Deadwood, Mt. Rushmore, and the Badlands National Park.  Then we drove home.  

I wouldn't change a thing.  It was one of the most beautiful trips we've taken so far.  I'd go back in a heartbeat.

2.  Badlands National Park - South Dakota
Another national park we can cross off our list.  The thing is, though, I would love to go back.  It was stunning in an alien kind of way.  

3.  Glacier National Park - Montana
I've been told it's gorgeous and should be on my bucket list.  So, here it is. 

3.  Boston, Massachusetts
I don't really have a reason.  I just want to go there and see what the fuss is all about. 

4.  New Orleans, Louisiana 
I want to experience Mardi Gras at least once.  That is all. 

5.  Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
This one is about to be crossed off the list.  Pictures to come!

6.  New York, New York
I'd want to visit the 9/11 memorial, Central Park, the Statue of Liberty, and Times Square.  I'd also try to talk Ken into a Broadway Show.    

7.  Acadia National Park - Maine
Technically, we've visited this park.  For a day.  It wasn't nearly a long enough and I vote for a second, more extended stay!  

8.  Yosemite National Park - California
I love national parks.  As this one is so famous, I'm sure 

9.  Grand Teton National Park - Wyoming
See #8 for an explanation. 

10.  Redwood National Park - California
I need to see those trees.  Really, I do.  I don't think pictures can do justice to their immensity. 

11.  Alaska
This is one of the places I'd like to visit from the deck of an ocean liner.  I want to see the orca whales at play and spot an eagle or two perched in the treetops.
11.  Hawaii
This trip has been moved down the list year after year, but I think I'd still like to visit. 

I Think I'll Just Ramble A Bit...and Call it a Blog Post

It's been awhile.  I haven't really been able to come up with any riveting topics, so I've pretty much been in avoidance mode.

We're in the process of planning our summer.  Vacations of varying length have been scheduled or are being discussed. Other than Myrtle Beach, all of these trips will take place in our home state because it's expensive to pull that camper too far!  Although, one of our yet-to-be-finalized trips will take us on a nice 8-9 hour journey.  That is, if the trip gets finalized before all our weekends are booked elsewhere.  

Let's see.  We have two open houses that I know of so far.  A concert to attend.  Motor City ComicCon to marvel at; although that's in May, so maybe it doesn't count in the summer tally.  

Of course, I have yet to buy the tickets for those last two events.  

Image courtesy of Motor City Comic Con.

Image courtesy of Def Leppard

I really want to do both this summer.  I've always wanted to attend the Motor City ComicCon, but either money or prior engagements have prevented me from buying tickets.  I'm hoping this year things will be different. I'd love to take my boys down there for the day and let them soak in the fandom. 

The concert...well, if you know me at all, you know Def Leppard is one of my very favorite 80s Hair Bands.  I've seen them in concert too many times to count (the best friend probably knows the number by heart, but she's not writing this post, I am.).  Since none of us are getting any younger, you never know when it might be their last tour, so I want to be there...just in case.   Also, the hubby is thinking of maybe trying to talk our group into going in on a party bus.  Fun!